my story

Hi i'm Shanna! I'm 23 years old!

 My life was really never easy. Ive dealt with bullying  all through school, never had many friends. I was the last girl standing and the first kid to get bullied. In middle school things started to get worse, and dealing with it got harder, I became a self harmer, cutter whatever you want to call it I was it.

 It all started in 6th grade when I quickly relized  the whispers the looks and laughs I got when I walked down the hallways. I was becoming more alone and what friends I had where disapering.  The kids talked louder and the pain got more real by the day!

 One day in class I decied I was going to take my pencil and drag it into my arm as hard as I could untill I started to bleed. I didn't know what I was doing at the time I just knew it was geting rid of the pain that I was feeling at the time.  Thats where hurting myself started. It became a obbison and the rush I got was amazing. Soon enough pencils turned into staples. The teachers never asked what I was doing or why I was doing it. When my mom or family asked  I just lied and said I got bored and I was making tattoos, and they believed it.After school let out for the summer I stoped doing it. I didn't do it for 4 years.  I started doing it again the end of my jr year only this time I used  razor blades out of pencil sharpeners and seccisors. I hid it from everyone I knew what I was doing this time. I wore hoodies and long pants even in the summer. Nobody found out until my mom seen marks on my arm one day. I think I let her see them I wanted help. I  beged her to not send me away and she listed. I told her that I could get better on my own she belived me. The truth of the matter is no matter how hard  I  tried to stop I  couldn't bring myself to stop long enough to get better. I stoped for 3 months one time.  I wasn't happy with life or with myself. cutting was the only thing that made me feel alive for 2 years outta my life.

 In 2009 shortly after my 21st birthday, I met the pearson that would change my life forever. He listend to me, cared for me, most importantly supported me. This was a first for me. Nobody ever fully supported my decisons to cut or try to help. insted they judged me made fun of it, or use it to thier advanged. So when Fred supported me listend to me and tried to help me without passing judgment , I finaly decied to try one more time and this time really try.

 Its been 2 years and 3 months. My life is going in the right direction, I havn't  self harmed in 2 years. I'm married to the man that saved my life! It hasn't been easy and most of the time when I get upset or deppresed,  I  still have the urge to cut but I don't react on it. 

 My advice to people is don't start, its not worth it in the end. The scars will always remain weather they are visable or faded. It may get rid of the emontional pain for few minutests but once the cut stops bleeding the rush has disapered the emotional pain is till there. Once you start its very hard to stop and takes alot of self discplen to stop.

 What ive learned over the years is you can't count on anyone but yourself. We are the only ones that we can count on. We control our own actions.

I AM perfectly flawed